Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?

"Newsweek magazine says that President Bush is determined not to make the same mistakes as his father did, you know like letting his kids get involved in politics." —Jay Leno

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno

"Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier? President Bush told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story, Dick Cheney said that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes." —Conan O'Brien

42 percent of his presidency

"You probably all heard about President Bush's nickname for Vladamir Putin, Pootie-Poot. See, he likes to give nicknames to everybody. He calls his dad '41', because he was the 41st president, and he calls Dick Cheney 'Boss.'" —Jay Leno

 "As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." —Craig Kilborn

"The Washington Post reported that if you add up all the time Bush has spent in Texas, he's there for a whole month. Then you add up all the time he spends at Camp David, and his parents house in Maine and add up all the travel time getting to and from these places, and it adds up to 42 percent of his presidency. In fact, he'd actually have to win a second term just to complete his first term." —Jay Leno

What does Iraq have in common with drinking beer in Texas?

"How many of you get a month vacation? Well President Bush will be getting his month-long vacation. The White House is calling it a 'working vacation.' And I am thinking, well that pretty much describes the entire presidency, doesn't it? Bush says he is going to be very active, he plans to exercise every day. And he says he exercise every day because it clears his head. Hey, mission accomplished." —David Letterman

"You never see Bush in the Oval Office. He's always playing golf, or he's riding a horse in Texas, or he's playing tennis. You know? I can't tell if he's president or filming a feminine hygiene commercial." —Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain recently compared the situation in Iraq to the Vietnam era — to which President Bush replied, 'What does Iraq have in common with drinking beer in Texas?'" —Craig Kilborn

Here's the weird part...

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." —Jay Leno

 "In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." —Craig Kilborn

 "President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush said today he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get Americans used to an environment where the air is un-breathable and there are no trees." —Jay Leno

A Dumb Guy with Connections

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno

"Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Guy with Connections.'" —David Letterman

"George W. Bush has been invoking a lot of Bible imagery. He said Jesus also had 20 missing years and never held a job he couldn't get through his dad.'' —Jay Leno

"We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway." —Jay Leno, on revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between the two of them

So I guess the Bush era has begun

"Both candidates are feeling the pressure. Al Gore has been testy with his staff and late today George W. Bush broke down and yelled at his parents, 'You promised!'" —Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount

"There is still no winner. There is a state of confusion and not knowing in America. So I guess the Bush era has begun." —Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount

"Well if you're just waking up, the election is over and we have a president, George W. Bush. This is nice, for everyone who wondered what it would be like if Dan Quayle was president, well, here you go." —David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has been on TV everywhere. He's doing press conferences, he's setting up the transition team back in Washington. What's Bush doing? Bush is relaxing on the ranch. Which guy had the heart attack?" —Jay Leno

The winner will be watching it from Carthage, Tennessee

"Hillary Clinton met with incoming First Lady Laura Bush. They had tea. Actually, Laura Bush does have something in common with Hillary Clinton. She also has no idea what her husband is doing in the Oval Office." —Jay Leno

"He is the new president, although old habits die hard. It's funny with Bush. Now whenever the Secret Service knocks on the door, he keeps flushing stuff down the toilet." —Jay Leno  

"On Saturday, amidst pomp and extenuating circumstance, (Bush) will be sworn in as leader of the free world. The only non-traditional element in this inauguration is that the winner will be watching it from Carthage, Tennessee." —Jon Stewart

"Earlier this afternoon, George W. Bush resigned as the governor of Texas. This is historic. It's the first job he's left without going bankrupt. It was a nice ceremony. The state of Texas said while he's president, they'll let him stop by every once in a while and execute someone." —Jay Leno