Because if there's one thing babies love..

"NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 million miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out Chris Christie." –David Letterman 

"The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire." –Conan O'Brien

 

It's a really slow-moving line

"The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably – for the next 80 years." –Jay Leno
 


"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" –Jay Leno 

"New Yorkers were so shocked that the thing on Trump's head fainted." –Craig Fergsuon 

What's labor?

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno



"Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill." –Conan O'Brien

Anyone with a gold toilet brush

"The royal baby is now past due. It was supposed to be born two days ago. So ladies and gentlemen, once again a member of the British royal family is avoiding labor." –Conan O'Brien



"It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi's Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush." –Conan O'Brien

I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon

"Down in Texas Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said looked around and he said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon." –Bill Maher 

"According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress." –Jay Leno 

"Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, 'Let me know how that works out for you.'" –Conan O'Brien 

U.S. senator is job she's always dreamed of resigning from

"And then the other day in the summation, the defense lawyer said George Zimmerman had nothing put 'pure unadulterated innocence.' That's right, he played the 'my client is a moron card.' I know we can't talk about race in this trial, but now we have to have code words for idiot? If his pants are full of shit, you must acquit.'" –Bill Maher



"If we're going to leave with one lesson from this whole assorted affair it's to leave police work to the actual police. They're the ones who are trained in shooting unarmed black kids." –Bill Maher



"Sarah Palin said she may run for the Senate. She said being a U.S. senator is job she's always dreamed of resigning from." –Bill Maher



Those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?

"Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?" –Jay Leno



"People in Florida are pretty worried about the Zimmerman acquittal. They're trying so hard to get black people to stay in their homes, it looks like election day down there." –Bill Maher



"Their defense is that George Zimmerman is weak and stupid. That's their whole defense, that's such a pussy that in a fight a gun was his only chance. They put an expert on the stand that said he was an out of shape doughy loser than was completely inept at self defense – just the kind of guy you want to have on your neighborhood watch." –Bill Maher