Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart

"Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert



"From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once." –Stephen Colbert



"The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show." –Stephen Colbert


John Hulse photography

Just like Gettysburg, it’s a site where many, many lives were cut short (haunted amusement parks?)

"Has anyone ever stopped to consider the possibility that Sarah Palin and her family are driving from town to town solving mysteries and unmasking monsters in haunted amusement parks?" –Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin's bus tour



"Of course, the point of her 'One Nation Tour' is to highlight America’s historic landmarks. So far she stopped at the National Archives, Gettysburg, Independence Hall, and yesterday she joined Donald Trump at one of New York’s historic monuments, the Times Square Applebee’s, a landmark as steeped in history as it is steeped in chipotle mayonnaise. Just like Gettysburg, it’s a site where many, many lives were cut short." –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin’s bus tour

"Of course, the 'lame stream media' ambushed Palin with gotcha questions like, 'Where are you going?' and, 'Why are you doing this?'" –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin's bus tour 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Imagine how mad he’d be if she won

"Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. The first thing she did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the presidency, and he said yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other Republican and Democratic candidates. Imagine how mad he’d be if she won." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." –Jimmy Kimmel 



John Hulse painting

The greatest gift ever given to comedy

"Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn't have a title yet, Might I suggest a few. 'How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,' 'A Dick for All Seasons,' 'Torture in the Rye'..." –Craig Ferguson

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson



"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson



John Hulse painting

Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house

"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, 'But that never stopped me before.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

God has picked us up for another 22 weeks

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno

"Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks." –Jay Leno
 


"Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars." –Jay Leno



A good way for her to learn the names of all the states

"Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?" –Jay Leno



"This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno



"I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question." –Jay Leno