It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife...

"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom. Must have been tricky. It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife." –Craig Ferguson



"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he's taken away from every other child in California." –Craig Ferguson



"Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF." –Craig Ferguson



"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." –Craig Ferguson



Making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street

"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." –David Letterman



"Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street." –David Letterman



"I'm disappointed that Trump isn't running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him." –David Letterman



"Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O'Brien said, 'Don't fall for that.'" –David Letterman 

I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr.

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." –Jay Leno



"I'm Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr." –Conan O'Brien 



"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." –Conan O'Brien



"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." –Conan O'Brien



Or as the French call it, room service

"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." –Jay Leno



"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." –Jay Leno



"Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway." –Jon Stewart

The Adultery of Hope

"In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that's been taken care of by the current field of Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" –Jay Leno



"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate." –Jay Leno 



"To save money, Washington state has canceled next year's presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn't have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever." –Jay Leno 



This would make a great Disney movie...

"Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman 



"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." –Craig Ferguson



"Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda!

"They found so much porn at Bin Laden's compound that they're investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages.  So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing coded messages. 'Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, 'SEAL Team 6.' They also renamed their most popular ride, 'It's a Small World — and We Will Find Where You're Hiding and Kill You.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama." –David Letterman