July 2020
“Trump claimed on Fox that upon hearing his answers, doctors remarked: ‘That’s amazing, how did you do that?’ But I’m skeptical. I’m gonna guess the doctors did not say that, noting that this test does not assess intelligence. A perfect score merely indicates, to quote the Washington Post, that the test-taker ‘probably does not have a cognitive impairment’. I’m gonna need something stronger than ‘probably’ for the person who has the nuclear codes.” —Stephen Colbert
“See, he’s been harping for weeks now about this cognitive test he took, and just to remind you, it’s not a hard test. It includes questions like ‘Name these animals.’ [Imitating Trump] ‘Well, that’s easy. I’ll call the first one Corey. The second one I will call Lance. And the last one — Corey Two.’” —Stephen Colbert
“Today is a historic day for D.C. football fans because, after getting rid of the team’s previous name, Washington’s N.F.L. team will go by the name ‘The Washington Football Team’ until a new name can be chosen. The Washington Football Team? Sounds like they can only afford the store brand version of team names. It’s like when my mom couldn’t buy us Cheerios so she brought Oat Circles.” —Trevor Noah
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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