Are our standards low enough? (Lower. We're going for the record!)

Dozens of Democratic members of Congress are boycotting Donald Trump's inauguration. Which is shocking because I didn't know there were still dozens of Democratic members of Congress. I guessed there were like two left. –Conan O’Brien

There's a new app out there that describes itself as Tinder for adopting babies. So one day, siblings will be taunting each other with, "Ha ha, mom right-swiped you. You shouldn't be here." –Conan O’Brien