“Yeah, this ‘book’ is about the Patriots-Seahawks game, and it’s a thriller.”

I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!” –Jimmy Fallon

Apple just released a new app that lets you read books with your kids on your TV. Or as dads put it, “Yeah, this ‘book’ is about the Patriots-Seahawks game, and it’s a thriller.” –Jimmy Fallon

During the interview last night on “60 Minutes,” Donald Trump said, “I’m a very sober person.” After hearing this, half of America said, “So were we, until last Tuesday.” –Conan O’Brien