"Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It's Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno
"We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it." –Jon Stewart
"And aren’t we out of money? You can’t simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles." –Jon Stewart
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