I hope Ted Danson isn't here tonight to confess to a string of murders (which I assume is "chunky-style")

A judge today sentenced Bill Cosby to three to 10 years in a state prison for sexual assault. Man, what happened to all our beloved sitcom idols from the '80s? Cosby's in jail. Roseanne went racist. I hope Ted Danson isn't here tonight to confess to a string of murders. --Seth Meyers

The Secret Service this week unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009. It is filled with a wide range of medical supplies, including a refrigerator full of President Trump's blood type, which I assume is "chunky-style." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Kanye said sometimes he loves himself but other times, he really loves himself (Get me new parents)

The latest rumor in Washington is that President Trump could decide to pardon himself. This would be completely constitutional, according to Trump’s new Supreme Court Justice, Donald Trump. --Conan O’Brien

Many fans have started an online petition urging ABC to continue the show “Roseanne” without Roseanne. In a related story, Andy [Richter] has started a similar petition about the show “Conan.” --Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Kanye West talks about being bipolar. Kanye said sometimes he loves himself but other times, he really loves himself. --Conan O’Brien

In the United Kingdom, a baby’s first word was “Alexa.” The baby's next words were “Get me new parents.” --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The mighty mighty sword of Mickey Mouse (ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs)

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"That shows the difference between administrations. Bush can't control his generals, whereas Clinton could never control his privates." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

No problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr

"In North Korea, real-life superhero Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, 'Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'" –Jimmy Fallon