A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.'

"A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 54 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'" –Jay Leno

"Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister." –Craig Ferguson




"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president

"In his speech, President Obama said that 'compromise' has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves." –Conan O'Brien 



"We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele Bachmann's hair spray." –David Letterman 



"Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm toying with the idea of drinking again." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno



"The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one." –David Letterman



John Hulse painting

The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles

"Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, 'Where's my money?'" –Craig Ferguson



"Sarah Palin's documentary, 'The Undefeated,' will be available on Pay-Per-View and On Demand by Sept. 1. The movie will be shown in English, with English subtitles." –Jimmy Fallon



"There's still no deal on this stupid debt ceiling. Each party is pursuing its own special plan. One calls for the American people to get hosed. The other calls for the American people to get screwed. So you pick out which one you want to do." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age

"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter." –Jon Stewart 

"President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age." –Conan O'Brien 

"According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

I think they think abstinence is Latin for 'no anal'

"Michele Bachmann was in the news this week for her migraines. They say she gets terrible migraines. Some people say as often as once a week she is incapacitated by these migraines for days. Even scarier news, other days she's perfectly fine." –Bill Maher



"Sarah Palin is becoming a grandmother again (or for the first time, who knows). It's not Bristol – Bristol, of course, is re-saving herself for marriage. This is Palin's oldest son Track. His wife is pregnant. They got married two months ago, and now she looks like she's six months pregnant. So you do the math, because certainly the Palins can't." –Bill Maher



"What is it with the Palin family and pregnancy? Do they not have condoms up there in Alaska? When they say 'don't retreat, reload,' they are not f*cking around. I think they think abstinence is Latin for 'no anal." –Bill Maher



John Hulse painting

That's called a Republican budget

"In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.' I'd never heard that. 'Red,' somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget." –Bill Maher



"After all of these weeks of negotiating about the debt ceiling and trying to keep the deficit down, John Boehner today walked out and stopped taking Obama's calls. This should be very reassuring to the markets. One side's policy is budget cuts and closing tax loopholes and the other side's policy is 'I'll be at my mother's.'" –Bill Maher



John Hulse painting