The same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts

"After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, 'I'll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we're done.'" –Jimmy Kimmel



"Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Gaddafi hasn't been seen since April 30. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Nose job." –Jimmy Fallon


John Hulse painting

Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold's friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O'Brien



"Newt Gingrich announced that he's running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube." –David Letterman



John Hulse painting

The right procedure on the wrong Palin

"Newt Gingrich is running for President. Every 6 months we'd have a different First Lady. Newt's slogan is, 'At least I'm not Trump.'" –Jay Leno 

"Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin." –Conan O'Brien 

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien 



John Hulse painting

They’re like the Winklevoss twins of killing Osama

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin." –Jimmy Fallon



"Why are we listening to the Bush administration people [trying to take credit]? They didn’t get bin Laden. They’re like the Winklevoss twins of killing Osama." –Jon Stewart

John Hulse painting

Hasta la vista, half of my stuff...

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson



"Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, 'Hasta la vista, half of my stuff.'" –Craig Ferguson 



"Arnold Schwarzenegger’s going back to acting, but what kind of movies? 'Conan the Octogenarian?' 'Occasional Recall?' 'Tinkle All the Way?' I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I’m not a teacher in California." –Craig Ferguson 

John Hulse painting

A mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator

"Al Qaeda has released an audio tape by bin Laden made this afternoon. 'Glugguuguuuugllgluuug.'" –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It's the first marital separation that will require a mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator." –Conan O'Brien



"Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide

"Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don't know about his chances. I mean, I'm not saying Gingrich peaked in the '90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi." –Jimmy Fallon 

"The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore." –Jay Leno



"Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting