Can I wrap you in bacon?

Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie’s favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter. –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie attended an Italian-American Heritage Festival where vendors served him a lot of Italian food, including bacon-wrapped dates. Which was also Christie’s prom fantasy in high school. “Want to go to prom with me? Can I wrap you in bacon?" –Jimmy Fallon

I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.

Tom Cruise is here to promote the new "Mission: Impossible" movie, which I believe is all about Donald Trump's PR team. –Jimmy Fallon

In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton “easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.” When asked what he based that on, Trump said, "I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.” –Jimmy Fallon

Bernie Sanders leads all republicans in the polls!

The Bet

George Dubya and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."

Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'

Sources say the Obama administration is in the "final stages" of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it’s gonna work is, they’re going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course. –Seth Meyers

On George W. Bush: ''You've performed so poor, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a sh*tty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.''' —Bill Maher

Somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar

Sharknado 3 premiered last night and SyFy has already confirmed that there will be a Sharknado Four. It’s like a bad joke that’s gone too far. And you can tell, because Sharknado is now the Republican frontrunner. –Seth Meyers

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday accused Donald Trump of “demagoguery,” and said that he must be “excised and discarded.” So one thing is clear: somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar. –Seth Meyers

Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels

Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke's on them, though, he’s never going to give them any of that pocket bacon. It’s what gets him through long meetings!) –Jimmy Fallon

Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels. –Jimmy Fallon

It’s a very classy book-fence!

Today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, “Your problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He's on your side!” –Jimmy Fallon

The FEC released Donald Trump’s financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. The bad news is, the books aren’t selling; but the GOOD news is – looks like he’s got something to build that Mexican fence with! “It’s a very classy book-fence!” –Jimmy Fallon