“Yes, LeBron James is getting a lot of heat for not taking a stand against China and their oppression, with people even burning his jersey in Hong Kong. Which, by the way, if the N.B.A. kept statistics of most jerseys burned, I think LeBron would dominate that, too. Yeah, yeah, Hong Kong burned his jersey, Cleveland burned his jersey, Miami burned his jersey. Like, forget Nike: LeBron should be sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid.” --Trevor Noah
“And you know, normally, I would agree that N.B.A. players shouldn’t have to know the intricacies of East Asia policy, but at the same time, Dennis Rodman is basically the U.S. ambassador to North Korea, so I don’t know what the rules are anymore.” --Trevor Noah
“I also understand why people think LeBron’s comments were insensitive or misguided — but at the same time, I get where he’s coming from. Yeah. Because the Houston Rockets G.M. slammed China on Twitter when LeBron was on his way to China. So LeBron was probably like, ‘Hey, man, start this beef after I leave. What’s wrong with you, man? I’m going there.’ Because I would do the same thing. Like, if you asked me in China what I thought about China’s policies, I would be like, ‘I think China has policies, and they’re the policies that allow me to fly home from China.’” --Trevor Noah
"The Lakers beat the Houston Rockets 89-70. This is the happiest people in LA have been to see somebody going back to Houston since George Bush left office." --Jay Leno
"Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now." --Jay Leno
"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno
"The economy is bad. Dick Cheney was hanging people by their ankles just to catch the change that fell out of their pockets. That's how bad." --Jay Leno
The president is taking heat because of footage released by the North Korean state media in which Trump salutes a North Korean general during his honeymoon getaway with Kim Jong Un. The reason that's a big deal is because the president, as commander in chief, is only supposed to salute OUR military. Not other people's militaries. You get the idea Donald Trump would salute a plate of General Tso's chicken. --Jimmy Kimmel
Saturday I will be in Houston, Texas, to play a one-on-one game of basketball against Senator Ted Cruz. This came about after I compared him to a blobfish while he was at a Rockets game. So he challenged me to play. I guess he misses being humiliated by other men since he stopped running for president. --Jimmy Kimmel
The rest of the world was focused on day one of the World Cup. Even if you don't follow soccer, the World Cup is a chance to see some of the greatest athletes on the planet fall down and grab their shins for no reason over and over again. --Jimmy Kimmel