In Beijing,
because pollution has reached 35 times the safety level, children have been
ordered to stay home. This could mean a delay for anyone who ordered a new
iPhone. –Conan O’Brien
Pope Francis
is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related
story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien
"There
you have it, a weird utterly subdued State of the Union, and according to Nancy
Pelosi the theme of the address was things that taste like s--- [on screen:
Pelosi moving her lips like there is a bad taste in her mouth]. Others, of
course, had a more favorable impression. For instance, take a look at this
right here [on screen: VP Cheney smiling]. He seems to have some kind of
inverted scowl. Let me ask you, is the vice president sitting upside down? No.
Yes, it appeared that Dick Cheney was enjoying himself. So, ladies and
gentlemen, I must warn you that what I'm about to show you is unsettling and
could cause great damage. I must ask that all pregnant women watching right now
leave the room. I give you, now, Happy Cheney [on screen: a montage of Cheney
smiling]. By my count, Dick Cheney smiled 12 times during that speech, meaning
he only has four smiles left for the entire year. Although, worst case
scenario, he does have a machine that steals smiles from children." --Jon
Stewart
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