Hey pal, join the club!

“The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can't find one candidate they really like.” –Jay Leno



“Rick Santorum's campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.” –Jay Leno



“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney, the big winner in yesterday's primary. He won in Wisconsin. Rick Santorum finished second. Newt Gingrich came in fourth behind Ron Paul. But Wisconsin was not a total loss for Newt. He did make off with a 45-pound wheel of cheese.” –Jay Leno



“The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels.” –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus

"The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jon Stewart



There's a strange new law making its way through the Arizona state legislature right now. It's a bill that, if signed into law... would ban people from posting anything (online) that would, quote, 'terrify, intimidate, threaten, harass, offend or annoy another person.' I think it means Kim Kardashian is going to prison for a very long time." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien



“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

You should have seen his face...

“Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he's in the race for the long haul, describing himself as ‘the tortoise in the race.’ The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be ‘the tortoise and the hair.’” –Jay Leno



“I guess Mitt Romney's staff played an April Fools' joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” –Jay Leno





“No, this is true; I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house.

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" –Bill Maher

"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Romney's favorite funny moments from...

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien



“This Mega Millions lottery jackpot is now over half a billion dollars. That is so much money, I saw Mitt Romney buying a lotto ticket.” –Jay Leno