Then he got back in his coffin

"Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin." –David Letterman 



"The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction." –David Letterman 



"Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

They couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house

"The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house." –Conan O'Brien



"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien 



"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann

"Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman." –Jay Leno 



"One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann." –Conan O'Brien



"George W. Bush's niece was married over the weekend. The wedding was rodeo-themed, just like Bush's presidency." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

They're using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney

"Our guests on the show are Dick Cheney and Carrot Top. That's what happens when you let Match.com pick the guests." –Jay Leno



"Apparently, Mitt Romney is planning to build a huge addition onto his beach house in California. And here's the cool part: They're using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon



"A woman in Alaska punched a bear in the face after it threatened her dog. Or as Sarah Palin put it, 'Teach me, sensei.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!

"Dick Cheney's book is an inside look at what it's like to be president — uh, vice president." –Jay Leno



"A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!" –Jay Leno



"Dick Cheney's memoir, 'Eat, Pray, Waterboard,' has a lot of revelations. For instance, Dick Cheney was actually born in a hut in Kenya. His first heart attack occurred when he accidentally saw himself naked. He also admits to fathering Beyonce's baby." –David Letterman



Why can't we pray that away?

"If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney's memoir came out at midnight. In Washington, D.C. this is like a 'Harry Potter' book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other's nipples. Then they heard about Cheney's book coming out." –Craig Ferguson



"Reviewers say Cheney's book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush's dog Barney. He says, 'That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.'" –Craig Ferguson


"I read Dick Cheney's book. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section." –Jay Leno



"Michele Bachmann is publishing her memoir. Why can't we pray that away?" –David Letterman



John Hulse painting

I think it's published by 'Simon & Shooter.'

"Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive." –Jay Leno



"Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures, and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It's like I have a twin." –David Letterman



"Dick Cheney's new memoir will be a best seller. I think it's published by 'Simon & Shooter.'" –David Letterman



John Hulse painting