Right now this whole election seems like an alcohol-free Edward Albee play

"Hey, Senators Clinton and Obama, get a room where the two of you can yell directly at each other. Right now this whole election seems like an alcohol-free Edward Albee play." --Jon Stewart

"Speaking of Hillary, for those of you who turned on your televisions at 11:30, thank you. But you missed something special, Jon Stewart going mano a womano with Hillary Clinton. That's what we in the industry call a 'good get.' And I am so happy for him [on screen: Colbert breaks a pencil in anger]. You know what, he needs the exposure. I mean, who watches the Oscars? [on screen: Colbert breaks a pencil in anger]. 

Of course, Hillary missed out on the coveted Colbert Bump, which raised Mike Huckabee from afterthought to national contender, and lifted Mike Gravel from homeless to hobo. Oh, and Senator Clinton, the Colbert Bump has just been proven by science. Political science. In Thursday's Los Angeles Times, professor James H. Fowler of UC-San Diego presented his research that candidates who appear on 'The Report' receive 44% more money than those who do not. 44%! I have given more cash to these guys than Mitt Romney gave to himself." --Stephen Colbert 

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