"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien
"It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen." –Jimmy Kimmel
"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers
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