The most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto

"Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto." –Jay Leno



"Toronto's city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford's powers. They say this reduces him to a 'mere figurehead' – which still sounds better than 'crackhead.'" –Jay Leno 



"To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto." –Jay Leno 


Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline

"Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I would be worried about." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left." –Jay Leno 



"There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline." –David Letterman

How can I get Canadian TV?

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he's refusing to step down. Despite all this, he's announced that he'll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, 'How can I get Canadian TV?'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it." –Jimmy Fallon

Stop attacking my integrity!

“Toronto City Council yesterday stripped him of his powers – whatever they are besides staying fat while smoking crack – because they found out that he was at a party recently where he did cocaine, vodka, OxyContin and apparently was cavorting with a prostitute. Rob Ford, always defiant said 'Stop attacking my integrity! Anybody who knows me will tell you I am too s***faced to get it up.'" –Bill Maher



"It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they're just old chicken wings he threw in there." –Craig Ferguson

You're doing a heck of a job

"Obamacare was trying to protect these people who are being ripped off by insurance companies. But, yesterday, Obama said, 'Okay, you know what? You want your sh*tty, crummy plans? You can have them!' You want your policy where you go in for an operation and you're covered for when they cut you open, but not when they sew you up? Fine, children, have your broken piece of glass that you want to play with!'" –Bill Maher



"The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, brownie.'" –Bill Maher

 

The idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane

"According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as 'not honest.' That makes him by far the most honest politician in American history." –Jay Leno

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane." –Bill Maher



"Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, 'I have a husband with very significant health issues.' She said, 'At some point we're going to have to figure it out.' Girlfriend, there's a lot about your husband you're going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries." –Bill Maher



The most viewed profile on Christian Mingle

"A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment." –Jimmy Fallon



"According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle." –Conan O'Brien



"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has provided me with so much entertainment this week that I feel like I should pay him a subscription fee. He's like your drunk uncle who is fun but you're just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself." –Jimmy Kimmel