You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud. (disappointing us right now)

October 2012

"The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football." –Jay Leno

"Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now." –Jay Leno

"There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud." –Jay Leno

"Unlike those Republican primary debates, there was no cheering or applause allowed from the audience tonight in Denver, which was fairly easy to control. They filled the crowd with Colorado Rockies fans." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but somehow it hit Jeb Bush

The social media platform Twitter just signed a historic deal with the NFL to live stream Thursday Night Football games this coming season. Before this, the only thing Twitter ever live streamed was Kanye West’s meltdowns. –James Corden

At a campaign event in Wisconsin yesterday, a 16-year-old boy threw an egg at Donald Trump but missed. And I can’t quite explain it, but somehow it hit Jeb Bush. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said yesterday that acting more presidential would make his campaign “boring as hell.” Though if he gets elected, I suppose “boring” is the best version of hell we can hope for. –Seth Meyers

the moon is going away because they've been bad

Don't forget on Sunday night, there's going to be a full lunar eclipse. So, parents, don't forget to point up at the sky and tell your children the moon is going away because they've been bad. –Stephen Colbert

Everybody see Thursday night's football game? I saw it by accident because I tried to watch my show. Once again, I got bumped by "Thursday Night Football." This time, my show didn't start until 12:35 a.m. and last night was my special “Pope Show.” So, football didn't just bump me, it bumped the Pope. Fellas, God gives you all those touchdowns, and this is how you thank him? –Stephen Colbert 

Here in New York, everyone's ecstatic about a visitor to these shores that is inspiring millions to weep tears of joy and devotion. I speak, of course, of the new iPhone 6s. This afternoon, iPhone fans lined up at the Apple Store as the Catholic faithful lined up to see the Pope's procession through Central Park. It was hard to decide which object of worship you should line up for. I mean, they're both pretty special, and both available in a protective case. I just don't understand why the Holy Father still only comes in white. –Stephen Colbert