"You may or may not be
aware of this, but I've had a bit of an ongoing feud with Stephen
Colbert. What happened is a while ago, I took credit for the
rise of Mike Huckabee. Well, I didn't realize that Stephen Colbert also
took credit for Huckabee's rise. I didn't know about that.
A couple of
weeks ago, okay, so we got into a little bit of a tiff and I thought we
decided, 'Let's just leave it alone.' Well, Colbert made it personal when
he yelled at me on his show. I was watching his show. Just sitting there in my
speedos, watching the show, enjoying it when he starts yelling at me into the
camera. It was ugly, really ugly. Take a look [on screen: Colbert saying,
'So, back off of Mike Huckabee, or I will kick your translucent, white ass! You
got that, Irish?'].
Translucent, white ass? As I've said, it's mostly white
with streaks of pink, not translucent. I'll draw it for you later. And then
to call me Irish, that got me really mad, mostly 'cause I'm not Irish. I'm
Swiss. So in a very heated moment, on my show, the next day, without
thinking, I was seeing red. I got mad at Colbert, and I said that the very fact
that I've even shown a tape of Stephen Colbert on my powerful network show and
mentioned his name I had, in fact, created Stephen Colbert.
I had breathed
life into his flagging, sad career. I thought, 'That's it. We're done.' I
let bygones be bygones. Then, just the other night, Colbert got a friend of his
in on the action. I thought we were done, but Colbert got one of his cable
cronies, and the two of them ganged up on me on television. It was a vicious
attack. Take a look [on screen: Jon Stewart saying he made
O'Brien by having him appear on his show. Stewart: 'Colbert made Huckabee.
Conan made Colbert. Jon Stewart made Conan. Jon Stewart made Huckabee!'].
That was a horrifying claim! Jon Stewart now claims he created me. Well,
tonight, I'm going to settle once and for all who created whom, all right?
Ladies and gentlemen, behold this photograph that proves I was the doctor who
delivered Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert [on screen: photo of Conan holding
newborn babies with the faces of Colbert and Stewart]. I pulled them into this
world!
Those are their actual penises. Possibly, I went too far there.
Anyway, I delivered them. They were born on the same day and, yes, I'm 82 years
old. Now I think this ends the feud. This is not a threat. This is a
promise. If either Stewart or Colbert mentions this again in any way, I'm going
over to their tiny, little studio, and I'm kicking some Comedy Central
ass." --Conan O'Brien
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