"The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil." –Craig Ferguson
"In the media business, being evil isn't always a bad thing. There's also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. " –Craig Ferguson
"One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working." –Craig Ferguson
"Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It's always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of 'Larry King Live.'" –Craig Ferguson
"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon
"On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend, someone broke into our theater. I'm told that Jay Leno has an alibi." –David Letterman
"Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?" –David Letterman