He's a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet (ready for some football)

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

We have another NFL team in L.A. The San Diego Chargers have announced they will be known now as the Los Angeles Chargers. Two teams is a lot of teams. I was ready for some football. I don’t think I was ready for this much of it. Reaction from fans here in L.A, I don’t know if I’d call it mixed. They reacted the same way to opening a Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon in the mail. –Jimmy Kimmel

National Intelligence Council (You Made It Much Worse)

"I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation." --Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

"Last night in Florida, the Gators got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush. And UCLA shot so badly they got a phone call from Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"We've had so much rain. President Bush declared L.A. a seaport today and handed management over to the city of Dubai." --Jay Leno