“The big story tonight is all you people. People all over America have hunkered down in their own houses to ride out the coronavirus. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is saying this might go on for the next eight weeks. So get comfortable. And try to look on the bright side – you’re finally going to get a chance to binge-watch all that toilet paper you bought.” —Stephen Colbert
“President Trump claimed that he was doing the best he could with the cards he was dealt. Yes, some idiot disbanded Obama’s pandemic response team. We should really look into whoever was after President Obama, ’cause that guy screwed the pooch. Which, by the way, is another way the virus can spread.” —Stephen Colbert
“Trump’s not the only leader handling this crisis poorly, Colbert continued; the New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio, went to his local YMCA to work out on Monday morning, to much social media ridicule. Come on, Mr Mayor. Don’t you know that during an epidemic, it’s fun to stay at your H-O-M-E, Colbert said, to the tune of Y.M.C.A. Cause if you don’t, we’ll be D.E.A.D.” —Stephen Colbert
“The point is at this time of national peril, we all have to do our part. And by do, I mean don’t. We all have to don’t our part. And there’s no country in the world more prepared for that than the USA. Turns out Americans weren’t lazy couch potatoes this whole time – all that sitting on our asses and watching TV was actually training to save the world.” —Stephen Colbert
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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