“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” –Craig Ferguson
“The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. ‘Francis’ was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of ‘Pope Boo Boo.’” –Craig Ferguson
"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno
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