“It seems possible we could be cooped up for quite some time. The government is now saying this could last 18 months or longer. Which, I’m not sure how many rolls of toilet paper that is, but I know I don’t have them. Eighteen months of quarantine means we’re about to see a lot of our friends’ real hair color.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“President Trump, just shut up already and let the doctors take over. Seriously, you Trumped the shark. Go away.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“I heard that Emergen-C – you know, the drink powder? – they’re telling people to not mix their product with booze to make quarantinis. They were like, if you want a quarantini, that’s Nyquil, Dayquil and a splash of Tide Pod. But here’s some good news: today is the first day of spring. Yay! Now Americans get to play a fun game: allergies or coronavirus?” —Jimmy Fallon
“And finally, the federal government has pushed back the tax deadline by 90 days – I think that’s a good idea because, trust me, once I run out of toilet paper, the next thing I’m grabbing is a stack of 1040s.” —Jimmy Fallon
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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