If you're flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit (man just be yourself)

I was at a casino standing by the door and a security guy came over to me and said you're gonna have to move you're blocking the fire exit. As though if there was a fire I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit. --Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, man just be yourself. --Mitch Hedberg

I go to a lot of bars. And some bars have black lights. Black lights make everybody look cool. Except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”