Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

Do you know you’re meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish? I went on holiday, everyone else knew. I didn't know. They told me, they said if you get stung by a jellyfish you’re supposed to pee on it. I'll tell you this much, it doesn't work as well on shark bites. The boy's family were livid. Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do. --Jimmy Carr

Creationists,  the hardline right-wing Christians believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”