And that is where I should have stopped (she would be spinning in her ditch)

I feel that I'm getting old. I was watching porn last week, and I found myself thinking, "That bed looks comfy." --Jimmy Carr

If my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral, she would be spinning in her ditch. --Jimmy Carr

People ask, what's the most important thing in a relationship? And I think trust. Because if you're with a woman and you don't 100% trust her, how do you know she's not going to tell your wife? --Jimmy Carr

Have you all had the sexual-history conversation? It's the conversation that happens about maybe six months into a relationship when things are getting a little bit serious. And it tends to be the woman will ask the man. She'll say, "I'd like to know about your sexual history." And the man will think, "No, you wouldn't." But in my experience, the woman doesn't ask once and then move on if you do not want to answer. She keeps on asking and asking and asking, till, eventually, you feel like you have you to give an answer. It's what happened with me. I was cornered. I had to list everyone I'd ever been with, from the girl I lost my virginity to, right the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”