I don't think al Qaeda has the guts (he's not that fanatical about you)

"According to Kola Boof, 'Whitney Houston was the one name that would be mentioned constantly. She was brainwashed by American culture and her husband, Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed.' Ladies, there's an important lesson here. If your guy's always talking about killing another woman's husband, it just means he's not that fanatical about you." --Stephen Colbert

"The new season of 'Survivor' is going to be dividing up the tribes by race. They said they got the idea from Karl Rove." --Bill Maher

"The Republicans have a new talking point on Iraq. It's about time they got one. The new one is: 'If we don't fight them there, they'll follow us home.' There's a representative -- a Republican named Curt Weldon -- who said we either fight them over there or we fight them here in our supermarkets. Have you ever been to that Ralph's on Sunset at 3 in the morning? I don't think al Qaeda has the guts." --Bill Maher

used an intern as a humidor (bin Laden may not have not been a nice person)

"For years people have criticized the Bush administration for intelligence failures -- specifically, the president's failure to be intelligent. So, you can imagine my dismay when I read in U.S. World News & Report that a top insider said the president 'can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs.' The press is having a field day, but may I remind everyone that the previous president used an intern as a humidor, not as a joke." --Stephen Colbert

"'Diary of a Lost Girl,' the autobiography of Kola Boof, recounts her sexual relationship with Osama bin Laden. There were some bad sides to being Osama's sex slave because Boof writes, 'Osama, you understand, did not know the difference between being vicious and being tender.' Now I know I'm going to get an angry letter from Ned Lamont for saying this, but I think bin Laden may not have not been a nice person." --Stephen Colbert