You win by flipping over the board and going outside for a cigarette

Donald Trump's children released a statement this week calling their father a "true visionary and a great mentor." And Trump released a statement calling his kids "suck-ups" and "not the best." –Seth Meyers

The French-language Scrabble championship was won this week by a New Zealand man who does not speak French. Of course, in French scrabble, you win by flipping over the board and going outside for a cigarette. –Seth Meyers

Barack Obama is going to play Batman next year

Tonight was the big premiere of "Sharknado 3" on the Syfy channel. I watched it, and I think the best actor was me just now saying I watched "Sharknado 3." –Jimmy Fallon

This week, Donald Trump and Lindsey Graham had a beef. What would you call that? Beef jerky. –James Corden

Super hero movies, you're great, but there's just too many of you. In the past five years alone, there have been 22,000 superhero movies. It's getting ridiculous, we have had more Batmans in the past 25 years than we've had presidents. And guess what? Barack Obama is probably going to play Batman next year. –James Corden

They both went after the same tennis ball

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president. –Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball. –Jimmy Fallon

New phone, who dis?

A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a "self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard." Or as Trump put it, "You forgot very rich . . . I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich." –Jimmy Fallon

After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cell phone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, "New phone, who dis?" –Jimmy Fallon

He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison

Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer. –Seth Meyers

A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison. –Seth Meyers

mandatory Mexican gay weed bill

Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would’ve responded but he was busy drafting his new "mandatory Mexican gay weed" bill. –Jimmy Fallon

In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced “The Godfather” and said his nickname used to be “Veto Corleone” because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you’re the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst. –Jimmy Fallon

Graham knew something was up when...

The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don’t think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, and Allen Liu. And their coach, Po-Shen Loh. –Seth Meyers

In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cell phone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call. –Jimmy Fallon