“There’s an online toiler paper calculator to figure out how long your supply will last so that you can stop hoarding, because right now, some people have bought so much toilet paper they can probably pass it down in their will. (mimicking an old person 50 years from now): ‘And to my grandchildren, I bequeath my fine collection of Charmin Ultra Soft that I bought during the corona crisis of 2020.’” —Trevor Noah
“As for Trump’s gloating reaction to Romney’s self-quarantine, I have only one word: Goddamn. You know, even if we all get wiped out, I feel like Trump’s pettiness is going to be the only thing that survives this pandemic. There’s no good time for a president to be a dick, but what he did there was a little … I mean, it was shitty, right? Mitt Romney’s in danger after being exposed to the virus, and Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, has MS so she’s at a higher risk for complications. And I bet Trump didn’t even think of this when he spoke, you know, because he can’t imagine a husband and wife getting close enough to expose one another.” —Trevor Noah
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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