“[Imitating Trump] A regular flu vaccine won’t work? Huh, weird. What about a solid flu vaccine? I’m talking top-shelf, admiral class. No? What about circle-dot cootie shot?” —Stephen Colbert, on President Trump’s asking drug company chief executives if a flu vaccine can work for the coronavirus during a meeting at the White House Monday
“According to reports, Pope Francis tested negative for the coronavirus after suffering from a cold for several days so, relax — everything’s fine, and you can all go back to drinking from the same cup as 500 other strangers.” —Seth Meyers
“To help you wash long enough, experts have suggested humming a song that’s about 20 seconds long. They say that 20 seconds is about the equivalent of singing ‘Happy Birthday’ twice, but any 20-second refrain works. So for those of you who are already sick and don’t want to spread it to others, I recommend: ‘Hot-blooded, check it and see, I got a fever of 103. Come on, baby, do you do more than dance? Hot-blooded, hot-blooded.’ Very sick. Or — or, at the very least, how about ‘M-m-m-my corona.’” —Stephen Colbert, channeling Foreigner and the Knack
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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