"The people at Charlie Sheen’s show were all mad, which I don’t understand. You paid to see a train wreck. The train wrecked. And now you’re mad about it? People walked out and wanted their money back. It reminded me a little bit of when I lost my virginity." –Jimmy Kimmel
"No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon
"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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