I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there’s nothing (And the bombs never stop)

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. —Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria I ordered a slice of pizza, the dude gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, this dude gave me the donate to charity slice. —Mitch Hedberg

I find that Ducks opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. —Mitch Hedberg

If you're watching a parade make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it, it never changes. If you don’t like the parade run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade. —Mitch Hedberg

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say, ‘go around I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there’s nothing.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I can only wear V-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all damn day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down. —Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”