Wait, it's going to make us like them? (Dear Jesus)

We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial. –James Corden

Julian Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates. Americans replied, “Wait, it's going to make us like them?” –James Corden

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person (death metal metal barbershop quartet)

I live in a studio apartment. I got a sliding glass door and it has a sticker that says Warning Alarm System! It's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker. —Mitch Hedberg

I was in a death metal band for seven years. But one day when we were walking out of the pawn shop we became a death metal metal barbershop quartet. —Mitch Hedberg

I was home last week and I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment, then I saw two guys run by my window. So I was gonna call the police but then I got optimistic. I said hey, maybe it's just a race. —Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he can’t close the border, and he can’t open a bottle of Tylenol (a Freudian Confession)

“Say what you want about President Biden, but he takes immediate action on the border crisis five months before an election.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I feel bad for Biden — he can’t close the border, and he can’t open a bottle of Tylenol.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs (Time)

Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina primary barely edging out his closest rival. Time. —Colin Jost

As you may have seen on your aunt’s Facebook, many MAGA personalities are claiming that the Super Bowl is being rigged so that Kansas City wins and Taylor Swift can come on to the field with Travis Kelce and endorse Joe Biden. MAGA people have so many enemies to keep track of, you have to hate the NFL, Taylor Swift, Bud Light, Disney, Kristen Stewart for some reason, electric stoves, windmills, the concept of rainbows, and the green M&M. And you have to think that everybody in the government is a secret pedophile except for Trump when he danced with Jeffrey Epstein. I mean, isn’t that the happiest you’ve ever seen Trump? Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood (Unplug me)

I'm very excited about this. There's another new episode of "Game of Thrones" this weekend. I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record holder? "Golden Girls." -Really? --Jimmy Fallon

The music guest at tonight's dinner was provided by the Washington National Opera. When Macron asked Trump if he likes opera, Trump was like, "Not if she runs against me in 2020.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pretty impressive — 76 and he can still get an insurrection (his legal advice doesn’t get any better when he’s sober)

June 2022

“During yesterday’s congressional hearing, it was revealed that Donald Trump Jr.’s fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, was paid $60,000 to speak at the rally before the Capitol attack. Well, technically, $20,000 to speak and then $40,000 to please stop.” —Seth Meyers

“Representative Liz Cheney’s assessment that Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani was apparently inebriated when advising the former president on election night. To be fair, his legal advice doesn’t get any better when he’s sober.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, today was former President Donald Trump’s 76th birthday. Pretty impressive — 76 and he can still get an insurrection.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million" (I'm totally messing with you)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million"

10. Death row taco bar

9. Two words: Alberto VO5

8. Hire staff to write some more great zingers like this . . .

7. Always wanted to see Branson

6. Spend a weekend at his hunting lodge with Hank Williams, Jr.

5. $8.5 million on campaign buttons; $8.5 million on bumper stickers

4. Health care for all Texans . . . I'm totally messing with you

3. Shut up or he'll execute you

2. Get a fabulous makeover from Michele Bachmann's husband

1. Buy lunch for Chris Christie

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We just told eight straight massage parlor jokes (Targeting your inner circle)

But the story got even seamier, when it came out that the founder of the massage parlor company, Cindy Yang, attended Trump’s Super Bowl party at Mar-a-Lago. Well, of course she went to Trump’s Super Bowl party. We know she was pulling for Bob Kraft. --Stephen Colbert

Cindy Yang also has multiple pictures of her with President Trump. She also has pictures of her posing with Don Jr. and Eric Trump. Proving she has experience dealing with little pricks. --Stephen Colbert

But this isn’t just a salacious story. National Security experts sat that Cindy Yang could pose a threat, presenting opportunities for espionage and blackmail targeting the president’s inner circle. Targeting your inner circle, also available at her massage parlors. --Stephen Colbert

Wow! We just told eight straight massage parlor jokes. That’s a new world record. So this sordid story really does have a happy ending. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He's like that when he gets a fresh battery in his pacemaker (I wanna see a list of his meds)

"You guys hear this? 'The Oxford Dictionary' declared that the 2009 word of the year is 'unfriend.' To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don't like from your life, or as CNN calls it, 'Lou Dobbs them.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin’s book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. It’s a very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of the people most bothered by Obama's bow was former Vice President Dick Cheney. He said no American president should bow to anyone. Dick's been unusually feisty lately. He's like that when he gets a fresh battery in his pacemaker." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”