“Pete Buttigieg says that he supports free public college but it shouldn’t apply to rich people’s kids. And in response, rich people said: ‘What the fuck is a public college? Is that a public toilet? I think I’ve heard of those.’” --Trevor Noah
“Is Joe Biden’s slogan really going to be ‘No Malarkey’? That’s your slogan? ‘Yes we can!’ ‘Make America great again!’ ‘No malarkey’? What does that word even mean? It sounds like the dish your vegan cousin serves at Thanksgiving: ‘It’s not turkey, it’s malarkey! The main ingredient is mold! Namaste.’” --Trevor Noah
“Today is Cyber Monday, which is followed tomorrow by Someone-Stole-the-Blender-From-My-Porch Tuesday.” --Jimmy Kimmel
“This is a crazy story: In New Jersey, someone found a message in a bottle from 1907. Yeah, the note said: ‘The Jets suck.’” --Conan O’Brien
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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