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Thursday, May 21, 2020

Large, hivelike swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, and sex organs (Let’s say check)


“I looked up the side effects of this miracle drug hydroxychloroquine Trump is now taking. They include: ‘severe mood or mental changes.’ Check. ‘Feeling that others can hear your thoughts.’ Check. ‘Feeling, seeing or hearing things that are not there.’ Check. ‘Large, hivelike swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, and sex organs.’ Let’s say check.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And the side effects can potentially include agitation, insomnia, confusion, mania, hallucinations, paranoia, as well as lasting psychiatric and neurological symptoms, so either Trump’s lying about taking it, or he’s been taking it for 73 years.” —Seth Meyers

“Last night, Neil Cavuto of Fox News had the temerity to warn his viewers that this miracle drug is not recommended. Trump saw that and wrote, ‘@FoxNews is no longer the same. We miss the great Roger Ailes. You have more anti-Trump people, by far, than ever before. Looking for a new outlet!’ ‘The great Roger Ailes,’ by the way, is a man who was accused of sexually harassing at least 20 women who work for him before being forced out of Fox News and dropping dead.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“A new outlet where? No outlet praises you more. That’s like Meryl Streep complaining about how the Oscars treat her.” —Seth Meyers

“Ah, yes, the great Roger Ailes, the famous creep who oversaw a culture of paranoia and sexual harassment at Fox News that led to him getting fired by liberal snowflake, let’s see, Rupert Murdoch.” —Seth Meyers

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

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