“Many of the protesters lamented the loss of their everyday activities, like this woman in Wisconsin with the sign, ‘I want a haircut.’ Uh, looks like your sign has a typo. We fixed it for you. It should read, ‘I want to endanger the lives of your grandparents in exchange for frosted tips.’” — Stephen Colbert
“To be clear, Trump is encouraging his followers to protest his own recommendations. That’s how much he needs to hear a chanting mob. He’s like angry Tinkerbell. [as Trump] ‘Quick, kids, scream 'lock her up' or I’ll die.’” — Stephen Colbert
“Ah yes, the second amendment is so important right now, because if you run out of Lysol, you can just shoot your groceries.” —Stephen Colbert
“Meanwhile, reporter Jeremy Diamond from CNN pushed back on Trump’s self-praise in said conference, asking if it’s really the time to praise his own administration when 22 million Americans are out of work and more than 40,000 have died from the virus. Trump denied praising himself, the logic of which was summarized (as Trump): ‘Look, there’s never been a president who makes it less about me than me. Honestly, I don’t get enough credit for making this not about me. I should get a medal that says Most About Not Me’.” —Stephen Colbert
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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