Whatever you do, do not go see Dr. Acula (they were off by two zeros)

I saw a billboard it said estimated at lotto jackpot 55 million. See I didn't know that it was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said that they were off by two zeros. --Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late-night TV said forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off my mind. --Mitch Hedberg 

I went to the doctor all he did was suck the blood from my neck. Whatever you do, do not go see Dr. Acula. --Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

I was getting my teeth whitened but then I said forget that, I’ll just get a tan instead. --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”