it's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker (Just start spelling it then quit)

I was home last week and I heard I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment. Then I saw two guys run by my window so I was gonna call the police, but then I got optimistic. I said, hey maybe it’s just a race. Yeah, that’s what it is. There's a lot of late night track and field events by my house. —Mitch Hedberg

I live in a studio apartment.  I got a sliding glass door that has a sticker on it that says, Warning Alarm System. it's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker. —Mitch Hedberg

When I was eighteen my friend Tim and I, we packed up his Volare and we moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas but the front end of his car was out of alignment. --Mitch Hedberg

I had a roommate named Eddie who was kind of slow. I asked him one day how to abbreviate Arkansas, Eddie said, “I don’t know. Just start spelling it then quit.” --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”