I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small (That’s why I don’t take baths)

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small. --Steven Wright

I bought a cordless extension cord. --Steven Wright 

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. --Steven Wright 

You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it's bent but it really isn’t? That’s why I don’t take baths. --Steven Wright

She said let me ask you this and I said what? She said if you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know? I said no and she said, forget it then. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”