I swear this has never happened to me before (defective bungee cords)

Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, one of their big aces, is expected to leave Boston to play for the New York Mets. When asked why Pedro said, “I want to get out of professional baseball.” --Conan O’Brien 12/14/2004

The Bernard Kerik scandal is worse since Kerik withdrew his nomination to become Secretary of Homeland Security. It's been revealed that Kerik had a secret marriage, two mistresses and worked for a mafia-related company. As a result Carrick has been given a role on Desperate Housewives. --Conan O’Brien 12/14/2004

The oldest woman in Japan died at the age of one hundred fourteen. And as soon as the funeral is over the family plans to sue the makers of the defective bungee cord. --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

Pfizer the company that makes Viagra reported that profits went down six percent last year. Afterwards Pfizer was embarrassed and said, “I swear this has never happened to me before.” --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”