Wednesday, November 30, 2016
The Electoral College declares Cleveland Indians World Series Champions! (11/29/16)
With 99ish% of the vote in...
Hillary Clinton 64,826,475 48.2%
Donald Trump 62,493,730 46.4%
Difference: 2,332,745
Let's say your favorite team is the Chicago Cubs and they are playing the Cleveland Indians in the World Series. It's Game 7 with everything on the line. The game is amazing, extra innings. Stomach in knots. But after 10 glorious innings the Cubs prevail over the Indians 8-7.
When all of a sudden, something called the Electoral College steps in and declares Cleveland the winner.
Welcome to American Democracy.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
So congratulations, Defense Secretary Scott Baio! (The Breakfast Club)
Breakfast Club star
Anthony Michael Hall is facing seven years in prison for fighting his neighbor.
However, his lawyer is trying to plea bargain that down to just serving detention
with Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, and Judd Nelson. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump is
giving key positions in his cabinet to people who were loyal to him early on.
So congratulations, Defense Secretary Scott Baio! –Conan O’Brien
Then someone told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote (Hey, you promised)
Trump was seen
wearing a hat that says "45" on the side, signifying that he will be
the 45th president. Or the total number of days before he quits being
president. He's like, "It's been fun — it's been a fun month and a half.
You take it from here, Pence." –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump said
he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill
Clinton said, "Hey, you promised." –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Donald Trump
tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on Election Day. Then someone
told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote. –Conan O’Brien
The secret service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of Trump Tower
Experts are warning
shoppers to check the spelling of websites on cyber Monday because there are
lookalike sites that try to scam you with a slight misspelling of a store's
name. Yep, they said if you want more info on this, just look it up on Goggle.
–Jimmy Fallon
Trump went on
Twitter yesterday to claim that he actually won the popular vote if you deduct
the millions of illegal voters and that any recount will change nothing.
Speaking of nothing changing, Trump won and still says the election was rigged.
–Jimmy Fallon
The secret service
protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of trump tower, forcing
taxpayers to pay $3 million in rent back to trump's company. Trump said that is
absolutely not true and the rent is $4 million. –Jimmy Fallon
Monday, November 28, 2016
Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal? (It's called Duck!)
"I think Cheney is
starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to
call domestic wiretapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno
"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit
they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney is
capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne.
It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno
"Something I just
found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the
guy for a half hour before he shot him?" --Jay Leno
Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton (body armor)
"We can't get bin
Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney." --David Letterman
"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer
and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads
of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet." --David
Letterman
"Cheney's defense is
that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now
has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton." --Jay
Leno
"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor." --David Letterman
we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney (the Reagan Raspberry)
"Police are still
investigating. They want to know why Cheney was unable to see the hunter at the
time of the accident. And, they also want to know how Cheney wound up with his
wallet." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The administration
has been getting a lot of criticism for how they handled the situation. First,
they didn't tell the media for almost a full day after it happed. The White
House press corps was furious. They expect to be told when the vice president
shoots a 78-year-old man in the face." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Good news, ladies
and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick
Cheney." --David Letterman, on Cheney's shooting accident
we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'
"Mr. Whittington is
doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the
condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm,
now a little sad.'" --Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington
suffered after being shot by Dick Cheney
"It turns out now
that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out
we didn't have a license to go into Iraq." --David Letterman
"Kind of a sad study
out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the
vice president than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Remember when the
most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word
potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel
good news today, so far Cheney has not shot anybody (Bush dead body rebate check)
"Happy Valentine's
Day. Good news, good news today -- so far Dick Cheney has not shot
anybody." --David Letterman
"The real question
now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill
again." --David Letterman
"You can't blame
[Cheney]. Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture
people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what
the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'" --Jay Leno
"I'm surprised Dick
Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a
gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno
the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy (Pancake Channel)
"He sat down for a
one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox
News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel."
--Jimmy Kimmel
"Cheney says he feels
terrible about what happened. The man he shot was his friend and if he could,
he'd give him the central processing unit right out of his own heart to make up
for it." --Jimmy Kimmel
There was some talk that
the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns
out that was true. Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and
the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of
ecstasy." --Jimmy Kimmel