idiocracy23: May 2017

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

From now on, when I hire a driver, I’m going to do a background check (day trip to Legoland)

"And earlier this week on the Internet, Paris Hilton posted her own ad to spoof the ad John McCain made about her. The McCain camp responded by that by saying Paris Hilton supports McCain's approach to America’s energy crisis. You know, how desperate is your presidential campaign when you have to try and convince people that Paris Hilton agrees with you? Personally, I’m not voting till I hear what Britney has to say." --Jay Leno  

"And as you may have heard, Osama bin Laden’s driver was found guilty of supporting terrorism. Osama bin Laden very upset today. He said, 'From now on, when I hire a driver, I’m going to do a background check.'" --Jay Leno  

"President George Wilhelmina Bush is in China right now. He’s been in Asia this week, with his wife Laura, his daughter Barbara, and the guy who ties his shoes. They are there to watch the Olympics. Now, this may be the last major trip of the Bush Presidency. He is scheduled to take a day trip to Legoland in October, but this is the last big one." --Jimmy Kimmel  

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what have you done with the real Bill Clinton? (Maximum Wage)

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee." --Jay Leno  

"And in an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, 'Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?'" --Jay Leno  

"Barack Obama heading to Hawaii for a vacation with his family. And President Bush commented on that today. He said: 'First Europe, now Hawaii. Maybe he should spend some time campaigning in America.'" --Jay Leno

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Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs (Everything-Sold-at-Wal-Mart Tour)

"Olympics start tomorrow in Beijing. People still concerned about the air quality. Earlier this week — this is a true story — a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn’t pollution; it’s mist. Then, he said, 'Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs.'" --Conan O'Brien  

"As you know, President Bush is on a week-long tour to Asia, where he’ll visit South Korea, Thailand and China — or as the White House calls it, 'The Everything-Sold-at-Wal-Mart Tour.'" --Jay Leno  

"Barack Obama now is giving interviews where he's opening up about his life. The candidates want to reveal their personal side. In a new interview that just came out, Barack Obama said as a kid, he cried when he saw the movie 'Born Free.' Very nice. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain said, as a kid, he cried because movies weren’t invented yet." --Conan O'Brien

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He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'

"Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected." --Jay Leno

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman

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Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free (Secret Service code name)

"Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama still continuing to dominate media coverage. The New York Times just did a big piece. They say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he's a black man who doesn't make white people feel threatened. Yeah, yeah. Which explains Obama's Secret Service code name, Al Roker." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a new poll that was done by the Lifetime network that is determined to have more American women who'd rather car pool or go on vacation with Barack Obama than John McCain. 51% for Obama to 31% for McCain. And that 31% fell to just 2% when it was specified that McCain would be driving in that carpool." --Jimmy Kimmel

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Jimmy Dore: Tulsi Gabbard NOT Taking Lobbyist Money! Corporate Dem's Immediately Smear Her!

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Young Turks: This Is The Income Inequality Video CEOs Don’t Want Americans To See

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Redacted Tonight: Income Inequality Is Through The Roof, Mainstream Media Just Noticed

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Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Tom Waits - Gun Street Girl

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Rational National: Flashback To When MSNBC Was Actually Good

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Humanist Report: Bernie Sanders May Have Found a Way to Kill Trumpcare

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Bill Hicks Puppet Show - "Bullies, Politics & The Elite"

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Bill Hicks Puppet Show - "The Elite"

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Secular Talk: POLL: Trump Most Unpopular President Since 1945

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Monday, May 29, 2017

Secular Talk: Trump Wants To Sell US Infrastructure To Goldman Sachs

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Secular Talk: Democrats 'Healthcare Offensive' Doesn't Mention Medicare For All

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Secular Talk: Nina Turner Reality Checks Out Of Touch Corporate Democrats

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Secular Talk: Washington Post Doesn't Disclose Writers Paid By Defense Industry

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The Starters: Top 10 Warriors Plays 2016-17 Season

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Jimmy Dore: Washington Post Owner's $600 Million CIA Deal Should Raise Questions, But Doesn't

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Jimmy Dore: Washington Post In No Position To Be Fake News Arbiter

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Jimmy Dore: Why It’s A Mistake For Progressives To Impeach Trump

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Toons: How U.S. Media Covers War (Death Economy)

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

"Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?" -- Jay Leno

"Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton was in Indiana trying to get more people there to like her. She claims to have taken some incoming sniper fire at the Indianapolis airport baggage carousel, but other than that, they say the trip went very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno

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Schwarzenegger, Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR

"But there is no denying the president's a hard-core man of the road. Bush, of course, also holds the record for most presidential vacation days, 506 and counting. You know, between that and the travel days, I think it's clear there is something about being at the White House our president cannot stand. --Jon Stewart

"Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama 'energy plan' tire gauges. You see? It's a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it's an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That's not just me talking. The government's own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU." --Stephen Colbert

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Usually Bush is in the disorient (Make War, Not Love)

"Hey, by the way, President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient." --David Letterman

"President Bush left for the Olympic Games early, in an effort to beat the traffic, landing in South Korea for a day of trade talks. It seemed like just another ordinary trip for the president, except, it's is his 134th visit to a foreign country! It's a record! He's now officially -- this is true -- our most traveled president in history. It's a little suspicious. Perhaps validating what I have been saying all along: President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule." --Jon Stewart

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