http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html
Friday, March 31, 2017
And who do I make the check out to? (1 Million Volt stun cane)
As of this
afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady
Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New
York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check
out to?” –Seth Meyers
Hawaii’s TSA
recently seized a so-called “stun cane” from a passenger that is capable of
delivering a 1 million-volt shock. To get an idea of what a 1 million-volt
shock feels like, just remember what it was like to wake up on Nov. 9. –Seth
Meyers
We just learned that Bin-Laden is alive and well (freedom cookies)
A Gallup poll has
just been released that shows that Donald Trump’s approval rating has fallen to
a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just
one more example of Trump beating Obama. –James Corden
President Trump
will meet with the president of China next week to discuss Trump’s claims about
China’s unfair trade practices. Which means we’re about two weeks away from
having to call these [fortune cookies] “freedom cookies.” –Seth Meyers
Vice President Mike
Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states
from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type
of birth control — his personality. –Seth Meyers
it is not coming from Rachel Maddow so it could be important and real (Art of the Squeal)
Michael Flynn,
President Trump’s former national security adviser, announced today that he is
willing to testify to the FBI on the Russian investigation in exchange for
immunity. When she heard about this, Ivanka Trump picked up her box of
belongings and started slowly backing out of the White House. –James Corden
Now, we don’t know
the scope of the story yet. But it is not coming from Rachel Maddow so it could
be important and real. –James Corden
Not only is Flynn
willing to talk for immunity, he is also coming out with a new book, “The Art
of the Squeal.” –James Corden
In other words, Russia stepped back and did nothing (Let’s get out of here!)
Scientists have
proven that you can grow potatoes on Mars. When they heard this, half of
America said, “Wait, a planet with no Trump and French fries? When do we go? Let’s
get out of here! Let’s go!” –Conan O’Brien
It’s come out that
Russia probably tried to meddle with our election and may have tried to
undermine the presidential campaign of Marco Rubio. In other words, Russia
stepped back and did nothing. –Conan O’Brien
Today, Vladimir
Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin
made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office. –Conan O’Brien
#MakeAmericaTateAgain (Let’s see what happens when you type in France)
The Trump administration
is making some changes to the White House website. We got a sneak preview to
show you tonight. There’s a new section called “Insult Our Allies,” and it
gives you the option to type in a country, then it shows you what Trump would
tweet at them. Let’s see what happens when you type in France — a tweet that
says, “French fries are overrated. Tater tots all the way.
#MakeAmericaTateAgain.” –Jimmy Fallon
President Trump’s
daughter Ivanka is going to have her own office in the White House. So finally,
we’ve got a woman named Trump who actually wants to be in the White House.
–Conan O’Brien
Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm (snow globes)
The White House
says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington
Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm. –Jimmy
Fallon
Actually, they said
Trump had to cancel because of a scheduling conflict. When asked if they could
change the date of the game, the Nationals said, “We already did so he wouldn’t
come.” –Jimmy Fallon
Ivanka Trump and
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos visited the National Air and Space museum.
Ivanka spoke to employees while Betsy played with the snow globes in the gift
shop. –Jimmy Fallon
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Maybe he’s worried his hands are too small to palm a baseball (those turkeys better run)
Today we learned
that Trump is violating another norm because he won’t throw out the first pitch
at the Washington Nationals’ opening day. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s worried
his hands are too small to palm a baseball. –Stephen Colbert
Since Taft, every
president, other than Jimmy Carter, has thrown out the first pitch of the
season opener. For God’s sake. That means FDR did it! Let that sink in! Not
only did FDR beat Hitler in World War II, he also struck him out. –Stephen
Colbert
Here we go,
America! Trump won’t throw out the first pitch. What else? He won’t go to the
Correspondents’ Dinner. He won’t release his tax returns. He won’t put his business
in a blind trust. He doesn’t want to live in D.C. What presidential tradition
will Trump abandon next? This Thanksgiving, those turkeys better run. –Stephen
Colbert
I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning (Sanctuary!)
First lady Melania
Trump spoke today at the State Department. Well, technically, all she said was,
“Sanctuary!” –Seth Meyers
According to a new
poll, President Vladimir Putin’s approval rating among Russians is above 80
percent. Of course, that’s largely because he conducted the poll in person.
–Seth Meyers
Anyone here use the
internet? You might want to knock it off because Congress has now voted to
allow internet providers to sell your web-browsing history. Now might be a good
time to clear your browser history. Just hit that button, or . . . pull the lever?
I don’t know, I’ve never used it. I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my
computer this morning. –Stephen Colbert
make sure your healthcare plan covers amnesia (my favorite flavor of pizza truck)
A 16-year-old boy
in Bosnia broke a world record this week by smashing 111 concrete blocks with
his head in 34 seconds. Get an Xbox! Get an Xbox — you don’t have to do that.
When asked how it felt to break the world record, the boy said, “Lampshade
tricycle is my favorite flavor of pizza truck.” –James Corden
President Trump
told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on healthcare because
“that’s such an easy one.” OK, well, just make sure your healthcare plan covers
amnesia. –Seth Meyers
it’s one of the best statues of Gary Busey I’ve ever seen
This bill has been
passed by the House and the Senate and will now go to Trump for signing. And
Trump says he is going to sign it, because remember, privacy only matters when
we are talking about his tax returns. –James Corden
In Portugal, where
an airport was renamed in his honor, world-famous soccer player Cristiano
Ronaldo was presented with a statue of himself. Sort of. See if you think this
statue looks like him [shows photo of hideous statue and handsome Ronaldo].
It’s terrible! It looks like his face was bended like Beckham. Just because
it’s a soccer player doesn’t mean that you have to actually sculpt the statue
with your feet. –James Corden
It’s one of the
worst statues of Ronaldo ever. But on the bright side, it’s one of the best
statues of Gary Busey I’ve ever seen. –James Corden
it just didn't click without a sheik involved (tax dodge to screw the needy)
"Who was it that we
find out the finances Neil Bush’s software company? The United Arab Emirates.
The same folks who were going to guard our ports. Sure the Bushes were using a
tax dodge to screw the needy, but it just didn't click without a sheik
involved." --Bill Maher
Congress voted to
allow internet service providers to sell their customers’ web data without
permission. I’ll just give all the viewers at home a moment to clear their
browser history. –James Corden
I have to admit
this does make me a little nervous. I thought my web data was strictly between
me and the Domino’s pizza tracker app. –James Corden
Aren’t we passed
this point now? Our phones are already spying on all of us. Today I just looked
at a bowl of fruit and two minutes later my Facebook page was covered with ads
for Banana Republic. –James Corden